25 Jun 2009
My Blog 13 Comments
June 25, 2009 Marybeth

I thought I had the first sentence down, it appears it may not be the right one.

So what is your vote?

Which one has more effect….

The most devastating moment I can recall would have to be the moment I realized I was dead.

OR

The awareness of my death was anything but instantaneous.

Help a girl out kids!

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Comments (13)

  2. Holly Bodger

    I like the first one best but I do agree that they convey different messages (and I am not sure which one you are going for).

    The first introduces a character who is flashing back to their worst experience ever which was the time he/she realized they were dead. If this is the inciting moment of the book, you’ve nailed it in this sentence. The only thing I would do would be to re-word so you don’t say “moment” twice.

    The second one implies no feeling on behalf of the character (generally not as strong since editors always want to know the effect/feeling of actions on the characters) and it may imply that the main character is a little daft (since you are saying it took them a while to figure it out).

    And that’s my two cents (or one cent if you take into the exchange rate!)

  3. Jenny Penny

    Second one. Much tighter and more to the point, but I’d change the first word to “My” instead of “The.” 🙂

  5. Alexia

    I’m only an avid reader, but the first sentence makes me a whole lot more interested than the second 🙂

  6. Danyelle

    I like the first one the best. I can’t imagine thinking the second one to myself. 😀

  7. Katie

    you know my vote – number two! and not the go-to-the-potty kind. 🙂

  9. Hillary

    I like the first one. It seems more realistic–like something someone would actually muse to themselves. Since it is written in 1st person, this is important.

    But also without knowing context, it is hard to say; if she was a British Professor of Literature then I can see her saying to herself, ” . . . anything but instantaneous.” If she was typical American young woman, the first sentence is more believable.

  12. Jessica M.

    Just in case you check here first:

    IMO, it depends on the effect you’re going for. To me, the first one implies awareness and realization. The second implies confusion, time taken to become aware of death, possibly refusal to admit death. And it depends on the sentences that follow…which one would flow best with what comes next. I still think I like the first one best.

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